Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tom Tom Agrees, Western Illinois Sucks Prong!!!

This is what Western Illinois looks like to Tom Tom and oddly enough, that's about as colorful as it gets. For the longest time, I wondered why Chicago was so windy, now I know. There ain't a damn thing blocking the wind! On one side, Lake Michigan and its vastness, on the other, flat Kansas-looking Illinois...and its vastness. I saw dead birds all over the damn place, why? They died from exhaustion from finding a place to frickin' land! It was flat, uninteresting, torturous and seemed to go on forever...kinda like watching Fox News. If you want a more scenic view and don't care about time being saved, you may want to take the Route 66 way, seriously. You'll also find better places to eat, believe me.

OH LOOK!!! IT'S A HILL!!!...and the only one for about 200 miles after you get past East St. Louis:

I swear to God, if you dropped me into that part of Illinois blindfolded, I would swear I was in Kansas somewhere. With this kind of driving, hallucinogens aren't necessary as you will be seeing shit after a while of driving here, so save your 'shrooms.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I do not approve this kind of landscape.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Ridin' On 22" Chrome Ain't Necessary

Not only does it look stupid, the ride has got to be nearly unbearable. It also makes it look more of a piece of shit than the possible 305 under the hood. Let alone the simple fact that the rims cost more than the whole hoopdie. This of course was a discovery of mine in Chicago and I couldn't resist. I think it needs to be known that this is not an "ethnic" thang. Rednecks have been doing this kind of shit for years, it started with this:

Then later evolved to this:

bling, BLANG, BITCHAZZZZ!!! From urban ridin' dirty to redneck ridin' purty. Makes me wonder how this shit could evolve further, hmmmmm......

Did I say evolve? I meant devolve. Bottom line, just don't do it.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this message.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Never Let Bloggers Know You Mailing Address

I got this post card from longroofer while on vacation. I couldn't help but laugh as I read it. Longroofer has the same sense of humor as me apparently, that being vulgar and aggressive:

With this being sent to me, I may have to raise the stakes in my response. The funny thing about throwing a punk card at my feet, ya just never know when or how I'll pick it up. I needed this laugh as I am currently not feeling well, the weather has been jacked up and has been playing hell with my allergy vulnerability.

Thanks Longroofer...and watch your back, fucko!

Friday, March 27, 2009

A Bit of Revenge On the Toll Booth

Toll charges suck and no mistake. Let alone the fact that you pay money to access a road and you still have to drive 55 MPH, ridiculous. I was told by a former resident of Chicago that the toll charges were .50, so no big deal. Only thing is, in the course of 6 months, the fees went up to .80 and that of course is on the exit and not including the 1.00 charge to get on the damn thing. I had proposed an idea upon reaching an unmanned booth that had an automatic change counter, that we use nothing but pennies as we had accumulated a shitload on this trip. Here is the result of that little proposed idea:

PISS ON TOLL ROADS AND LOW SPEED LIMITS ON THEM!!! P.S. The state department owes us a bit of a refund.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this kind of behavior.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The "Who Has the Best Hot Dog" Thing Is Lost On Me

This is so true. I must say that I am probably one of THE most finicky eaters on the planet. I hate veggies with a passion and thus a lot of experiences are lost on me. Take for instance the "Best Hot Dog" in Chicago. I sampled 3 different places with the closest to ordering the same style and toppings as possible. In the end, it really didn't make a difference to me. Here's even more detail, I started off a local hot dog vendor in Downtown Chicago by the Field Museum:

It's common knowledge that if you buy food from the street, try to find a vendor that keeps a consistent line and that was this one. When I got up to order, I just ordered a regular hot dog, just meat and the bun(I like it that way...sometimes) and here's what I got:

Mind you, I dig the poppy seed bun, it's different. Talk to some hot dog aficionados and you you might start a fight over which is better, plain or poppy seed. The damn thing cost $3.50, I'm on vacation so cost doesn't mean that much to me.The hot dog these people use up here on the streets and in some restaurants are from Vienna Beef. I guess the mob has a say in who gets what for suppliers. Anyway, gotta tell ya, it was pretty good but still, IT'S A FRIGGIN' HOT DOG! Chicago style calls for mustard, onions, sweet nuclear relish, tomato and a pickle spear that runs the length of the hot dog. Needless to say, I wasn't havin' any of that.

On to the next contestant. Later that evening, I took the Metra train back to Lombard where I was staying. Right by the station, there's a 7-11 and at this place I was a bit hungry so I opted for yet another hot dog. I rolled in passing by Jay and Silent Bob who have been standing outside this place for a few days now, and got this:

Now THIS is my idea of a hot dog. Angioplasty is an option, just thought I'd throw that out there. No doubt performed by Jay and Silent Bob as they will also be selling you your prescrips. All that aside, this thing was great and cost me half what the in-town special cost, plus I believe it was Oscar Meyer. Still, it was missing a little somethin' sumshin'.

Next day, rolled up on to the Navy Pier and found a place called America's Dog. They have a shit load of hot dogs named after cities that run the gambit as far as toppings go and I found mine, "The Green Bay Dog":

Nothing but the dog and cheese, BUT it had a poppy seed bun. NOW I am happy. It was perfect and ironically cost in between what the 7-11 constipation monster was and what the museum mugging cost me.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this cardiac arrest to go.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

More Fun With Parking Lot Douchebags...Chicago Style

If you notice in this picture, this douchebag had the means of starting an accident. I almost rammed into this dipshit while trying to find a parking spot. Good thing I was paying attention. If you locals take notice, this probably doesn't look like anything you will find in or around the Springfield area. That's because it isn't. I took this at a parking garage in downtown Chi-town. I had to park here to get to the Hershey store across the way. I got a tip on this joint while talking to a Chicago cop.

I would like to take this time right now to extend an apology to the people of Chicago as I always thought of them as assholes. The whole time I was there, I ran into the nicest people. From cops to CTA bus drivers to "L" drivers, they were all out of the way friendly and it really struck a cord with me, seriously. HOWEVER, there was a certain Chicago native(who will go nameless for now) that didn't show their self and thus I am obligated to give them shit over it. You know who you are, feel free to chime in.

I'm tired as I've been been driving down Route 66 all the way from Chicago.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this...oh, piss on it, good night!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Most Useless Things Put On A Car In Missouri.

Every once and a while, I have to hit the interstate for work related purposes. In doing so, I do enjoy being able to drive at a higher rate of speed. However, the local yokels (and assorted dipshits from Oklahoma, Illinois, Texas, Arkansas,etc...) seem to be hitting the interstate the same time I do. When this happens, traffic becomes a cluster fuck. Passing to these people is something you do in life or in the bathroom. Thus, the cruise control is the most useless thing to put on a car as it will NEVER get used. Every time I get around to setting it, Merle jumps into the passing lane and proceeds(for a lack of a better word) to pass at approximately 1/2 mile an hour faster than the person in the left lane. But hey, he's passing right? Evidently there is a law in Missouri that says they are impeding the flow of traffic, but that will get enforced about as much as a citation to a woman willing to show a cop her .44(D or DD) specials. Don't think I'll get much play showing my pea shooter.

I have also noticed turn signals not being utilized nearly as much as they should. It's like they're afraid the bulb will burn out or something. Need to make a turn but not sure? Don't worry about, it's obviously socially acceptable to just make that turn WITHOUT signaling the intent to do so. That way, if you weren't supposed to turn there, y'all won't look like such a moron. The same rule applies when takin' yourself an exit, folk. Need to switch lanes? Ah shucks, just look in your rear view mirror, surely everyone will see you do it and that tells us all what you want to do, so glide on over. To make sure, just look over your left shoulder, THAT is a CLEAR indicator of your intent and should be enough. But then again, maybe they just don't signal because they don't want to look like that inattentive dumbass that has had his blinker on for the last 5 miles and shows no sign of turning it off.

I've also seen the "parking/running lights on while driving" bit. Damn, I wish I looked that cool to get away with that kind of stupid ass driving. By the way, it's illegal...rumor has it. That's why they're called "parking" lights, douchebag. Same goes for the fog lamps. I already see enough dense fog around people, don't need this shit compounded. I get it, you got tinted windows and rims that probably cost more than the car itself, you're special. There, ya happy?

There you have it, 3 completely useless things on a car and mainly because they're not used properly or used at all. I'm sure there are other thing that could make their way into this post, but these are the ones that gripe my ass the most.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this driver's saftey lesson.

Friday, March 6, 2009

That Ain't Right! & DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!!!

Time for the usual "what's pissed you off lately" segment. You know the drill, spill it, leave it, yada yada. The damn, damn, damn is for me. I did my 8 mile walk yesterday, but after that, I wasn't so tired so I decided to try and step things up a bit. I started this new workout regimen. At first, it didn't look that difficult. Then, I decided to try it. End result, I'M IN PAIN!!! I did manage to do it, but I was completely out of breath, so nauseous that I almost chundered on the floor I was laying face down in and my legs were already beginning to turn against me. I should have seen this coming, but I didn't want to puss out. My suggestion to anyone who wants to even attempt EVERY single exercise shown here, cut the reps down to half at 15 instead of 30, you'll thank me for it later. Now, for a glimpse of my new workout punishment:

300 Spartan Workout Training. Home Version - For more of the funniest videos, click here
I can only hope that I even look half as good as this by summer.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I am in dire pain.