Thursday, September 24, 2009

Pre-Birthday Celebration For Complaint Department Co-Author

Longroofer will be turning 50 in just a few days. I'm making this post now, as I've got a lot of stuff on my plate and I can't pass up on the opportunity to tell everyone that Longroofer is so old that he farts dust. If Longroofer keeps running into "muffin tops" he's gonna get wrinkles...or should I say MORE wrinkles. Damn dude, you couple more wrinkles with your age and your gonna look like a side of beef jerky. Longroofer's social security number just happens to be the same number in my emergency preset on the mobile phone, 9-1-1. I Hope no one steals your Mesopotamian identity, Longroofer.

In all seriousness, he's a great guy. Everyone needs to go over to his blog "By the Numbers" and give him some shit.

I did manage to get longroofer a cake, I just don't know how I'll get it to him:

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve of this Senior bashing.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

In General, I Hate Muffin Tops

Sorry CDM Followers, I am just an old man and get pissed off rarely. I turn 50 years old a week from Tuesday and, just like many old men, have little patience for a lot of people.

So, this pleasant, Chamber of Commerce kind of Sunday afternoon, I headed down the beach to my favorite Publix grocery store to stock up on feed supplies this old man needs every month or so. You know, soy sauce, black pepper, chips and, really, whatever else they have on sale.

The cool, at least I think anyway, thing about where I live is that the Taj Mahal is less than two blocks from an automobile friendly beach and I can drive from my condo to my grocery store on the beach.

Yeah, I really get a kick out of that.

So I arrive at my local shopping center that I enjoy hanging at and enter my grocery store.

As this is a fairly large, stock up, kind of visit, I grab on of those rarely used shopping carts and head on off.

Now, I am a single guy and, like most men, I don't shop, I buy. So, I know where I am going.

As I head down the produce aisle I spot the following.....

A mid 20's year old pony tailed, tank top, tattoo bearing redneck pushing a child carrying cart, you know, the ones with benches in them for young kids to ride in. Well this one was equipped with a mid 20's year old girl holding a toddler on her lap.

Additionally, another mid 20's girl with a HUGE tramp stamp was free loading a ride in that kid carrying area and that tattooed dude was struggling to provide acceleration to that buggy.

Further adding to my frustration, there was another, and part of that crowd, muffin top pushing a cart of her own alongside that oversized grocery cart.

So what did this olelongrooffan do?

I stopped, turned around, and started my, usually pleasant, Publix shopping experience on the other side of that Florida based retailer.

As it was, I was able to complete my excursion without running into them again.

Until I realized I had forgotten tortillas for my morning eggs and sausage breakfast wraps.

So, I head over to the "Ethnic" aisle and as I turn the corner, I see these two cart bearing tattooed rednecks moving down this aisle and basically blocking my passage of them in the aisle in front of me.

Oh, by the way, if you are on a four lane road and are going the same speed as the car to your right, You Are In The Wrong Lane.

But I digress.

Slowly, one of those carts moves in front of the other one and I slip between them to get my much desired tortillas.

As I slide between them, one of the tramp stamped muffin tops says, loud enough so this olelongrooffan can hear, "I can't believe how rude people are down here."

Now I have to say, I believe, these days, I am a polite ole man.

I always point out burned out brake lights.

I let people out in traffic.

I carry my 87 year old neighbor's recycle bin out to the curb every Thursday.

I never park in his parking spot.

and cold pops are always in my frig for thejeepjunkie and TheGoodAttorney for their happy hour visits.

But this fat little bitch just pissed me off.

I had left my buggy behind them to slide through, get those tortillas and return to it to reverse direction and get out of their world.

So, as I was returning and fuming at her thinking I was rude, I mentioned in passing that she was the one blocking the aisle.

As she started to smart off some inane response, I turned to her and said....

"Hey muffintop, your grandchildren will love that tramp stamp across your ass."

and I turned around and left.

Now while this is not the most mature method I could have handled this situation,

It sure felt good and I am still able to

Celebrate Life.

also posted at By The Numbers, although with some editing.

Thanks CDM.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Ernie Anastos: Have You Lost Your Damn Mind?

I must say up front that I'm a bit torn on this one, as I laughed myself silly after actually watching this. He actually says, "Keep fucking that chicken" ON LIVE TELEVISION.

But, Ernie, have you lost your DAMN MIND? You know damn well well you can't go around carnally violating fowls on the air, no matter how much you think it's called for. It's still undetermined whether or not Ernie still has a job or nor. I'm sure Fox 5 got a HUGE lift on ratings and attention after this, both positive and negative. And the look on the absolutely stunning Dari Alexander is PRICELESS. Check it:

She looks as if she got pinched on the ass while on the air. Sorry, but that's just DAMN funny there.

I could only imagine if say...a local weatherman, that lives not too far from me, if he said something like this on air................Yeah, I'd probably laugh myself twice as hard as this one. But still, should he loose his job over this? Before you answer that, it should be known that he's done something like this before. He says that they were all accidents, but you know...

Ah, to hell with this. Ernie, you may have lost your damn mind, but you just gave me a new catch phrase. So, by all means Ernie, keep fucking that blooper chicken.

I am the Complaint Department manager and I approve this chicken fucking.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Missouri Republican Assembly, Have You lost Your Damn Mind?!?!

The Missouri Republican Assembly is bringing the douchebag-of-the-month to MY backyard. Yes, Joke Wilson, "alleged" immigration attorney. I thought surely I heard wrong this morning, but nay. It's bad enough that the county I live in went 70% for Mad Jack, but I guess the area of Missouri, that is SO close to Harrison, Arkansas(KNOWN hate group headquartered there), just had to embarrass themselves further...or just show their true "color".

Tickets to this event will be made available to the public...but ticket prices haven't been posted yet. Ticket prices??? Can you say, "fund raiser". The Republican Party has lost their DAMN mind! Their Leader of infinite wisdom William Scott Magill Said and I quote KY3's political notebook:

"He sort of just fell into our lap." When asked how Magill helped book Wilson's visit, he declined to go into details. "It's a hot topic. He probably has got something to say. It's timely," Magill added.

Maybe they should have invited Kanye instead.

You know, there are actually some decent Republicans in this area. I feel so bad for them at this moment. Keep in mind that the Republican "Party" and the "Assembly" are different. A bit of a strecth, but different.

If anyone can get me the number to the Missouri Republican Assembly and NOT the actual Republican Party, I will post it.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this message...and phone calls to the "Assembly".

Monday, September 14, 2009

Outbursts...Has Everyone Lost Their Damn Minds?

Has everybody lost their damn minds??? I mean really? From a douchebag Rep from South Carolina, Serena trying to channel a McEnroe meltdown, to redneck white trash chanting "glenn beck" while praising Joke Wilson in D.C. to a no class dumbass from hip-hop and all showing a lack of class and dignity. This is their moment to recognize.

First, of course, Joke Wilson in South Carolina I'm sure got a big "thank you" from Gov. Sanford as now there's a new King Douchebag in South Carolina. I hear there may be talks of censure, bad idea. All that's really like is getting your name wrote down on the chalkboard, maybe even cirlced and/or a check mark or 2, 'member that shit? If you ask me, since he's from the south, he should have a typical southern response. He should get his ass whooped. Wait 'til he gets better, then do it again for good measure and as a reminder. Joke Wilson, recognize.

Serena, Serena, Serena. Damn girl, have you lost your mind? She's NEVER done anything like this before, so what gives? Her and her sister have invigorated the ever boring sport of tennis and were actually trying to turn it into a bit of a fast paced and intense event. The new trend of turning it into a smackdown, however, not good. Serena, you know better. Serena, recognize.

Ah, I see the Tea party village idiots are next, like this will be difficult to address. Just watch the video as village idiots from around the country came out in droves to champion their man glenn beck(he doesn't deserve proper capitalization). They also managed to show a lot of love for Joke Wilson, watch the video and see for yourself. I don't EVEN have enough time to address the other things these people COULD have protested before all of this, but Paul Begala hints at a good chunk. Tea baggers, recognize(ya dumb ignorant bastards).

Finally, there's Kanye-douchebag-de-jour West.I never liked this fuckhead to begin with and at least I can see that my suspicions were correct. You should all know by now that he's the dipshit that grabbed the Mike out of Taylor Swift's(not much of a fan of her music, just sayin')hand and went on a childish rant about how Beyonce' had a better video...WOW, was that ever stupid. If this were any other person from the audience, he would have been took down hard, dragged from the event and then arrested outside where the NYCPD would have taken him down hard AGAIN and had his punk ass thrown in the hole downtown. Beyonce' at least had the decency to give Taylor her time to shine at her expense, thus making 2 victims at the awards show. By the way, why do they still call that god forsaken channel, MTV? Kanye, your bitch ass needs to recognize.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this moment to recognize.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

And You thought This Could Only Happen In Arkansas

That's some Jerry Springer shit ain't it? I really don't know what else to contribute here.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I am still speechless.

Just Let It Sink In For A Bit...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

It's H1N1 NOT Swine Flu!

Look at all the innocent victims in this mess. Damn, people.

I'm the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this sanitized message.

The Next Glenn Beck

Sometimes, things are just too funny to ignore and pass up.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I SO approve this message.

Monday, September 7, 2009


Nice RV/bus, idiot...
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Best and Worst Pizza??? Who Cares???

Honestly, the guys at Men's Health Magazine must be bored or out of shit to print to come up with this "news worthy" article. Let's face it folks, if you simply MUST have a calorie count on the pizza you may want to consume, then you shouldn't consume it in the first place. What's next guys, best and worst cigarettes? Doughnuts? For me, I LOVE the pizza and I only eat it every once in a while like a responsible adult and not every other day(or every day for some dipshits) that would most certainly turn me into the typical the South.

So, when it's time to go off the wagon, I go face first and into something like this:

Or, if I feel like I want to set a new "cram myself full 'til I want to puke like a typical Southerner", I go for something like...a threesome!!!

I am the Complaint Department Manager and GOD, do I miss Chicago.