Ozark, Mo. - The Complaint Department Manager was found guilty today of multiple counts of Culinary Inefficiency and Embezzlement of 20 pounds over the course of 3 months, investigators say. When asked about the findings, the Complaint Department Manager had no comment as he was also found shredding grocery receipts. In response to this verdict the Complaints Department released this statement:
We here at the Complaints Department are shocked and disappointed in the actions of the Complaints Department Manager. We simply would like to say that such actions will not be tolerated as we pride ourselves on our reputation of accountability.
Just as much as we like to provide the occasional pat on the back, we must also give the slap on the wrist when necessary. In recent months, he has(unknown to everyone) been on a campaign of self indulgence that we believe started with a junket to Kansas City. When we approached him recently about this situation, he denied any wrong doing and insisted that there must be a mistake and insisted that any activity(or inactivity) he was involved with was in response to help stimulate the economy. This statement was mentioned again as we presented the evidence against him:
Other evidence was to be presented, but has since disappeared suspiciously. When he was asked why better alternatives were not procured, he stated that he was trying to meet the demands of cookies and ice cream at that time. It was at this time that an example needed to be made. The Complaint Department Manager is hereby ordered to resume the better options that were pursued this past summer EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! This means 8 mile walks for no less than 3 times a week with special provisions in regards to inclement weather, NO EXCEPTIONS. All consumption of culinary inefficient products are hereby seized until further notice. A regiment of 300 calorie meals issued 5 times daily with a "no tolerance" order from deviation of this plan. Also, if not already apparent, the Complaint Department Manager will be confined to the 1st, 2nd and 3rd person for the entire post. It was at this time the Complaint Department Manager asked for a 2 half-gallon and 2 pint bailout to finish out the year which was quickly struck down. Before hearing an appeal, he was ordered to a closed door weigh-in session, after which, he quickly withdrew his appeal. It is further ordered that if noticeable changes are not made before the end of the year, a food/exercise czar will be appointed and paid for by the Complaint Department Manager.
The Complaints Department would like to offer an apology at this time for any inconvenience this has or may cause to anyone at any time. As stated earlier, we here at the Complaints Department pride ourselves on accountability and look ahead to correct this situation as expeditiously as possible.*
We would like to thank you for your understanding during this unfortunate period.
*Terms and conditions: Offer void in Houston, Philadelphia, Detroit and Memphis as no one there has cause to point fingers. Some restrictions may apply and may be altered at any time. The Complaints Department reserves the right to cancel, suspend or resend this offer at any time for any reason and cannot be transferred to other non-deserving bloggers/anonymous posters. Limit one per blogger with current good standing at the Complaints Department.
I am the Complaint Department Manager and I...hear and obey.