YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY SOILS MY SLIPCASE?

When people don't flush their poop down the toilet, especially in public restrooms. That is just nasty if you ask me.

...And Billy Mays Makes 4.

I'm saddened by the loss of Oxyclean commercials in the near future. I get so tired of hearing the "they die in 3's" thing about celebrity deaths. I counter with the argument that they die in ones, anyone care to challenge this theory? I seriously doubt that there is a mystical force at work with the "3's" theory. If so, who really makes that call? I can see and hear the Grim Reaper now saying to himself, "Okay, Farrah had her time, but she was being a bit of a diva at the end. How do I rain on her parade?...I know, I've had my scythe on Jacko for a while, that'll do the trick, I don't think I could live through another farewell tour from anyone else this year."

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this message of death.

Some People Just Shouldn't Own a Stinger Missile

Today was the day I sent the Stinger Missile to get the front bumper repaired. The job is supposed to take 2 days. With that in mind, I still had things to do, so I asked for a rental car and got one. Unfortunately, this being Missouri, this is what they had in mind for a "rental car":


I especially love the fact that they made me look over the "damage waiver" just in case I don't bring this thing back in pristine shape. I informed them of a few scratches I found...including these in the back:

Honestly, did they really expect a rental truck to come back without a scratch around these parts? I also love how they "clean the car up" before presenting it to the next customer. I've seen my 9 year-old niece and 6 year-old nephew do a better job of cleaning their rooms and would probably do a better job of cleaning this car for me. Anyway, this wasn't going to fly with me, so I had them find a smaller car for me, preferably one that got better miles per gallon than gallons per mile like this hog. I ended up eventually trading out with a Nissan Sentra. Who said bitching never gets you anywhere? I spent most my day in Joplin getting some Pibb Zero as I was running low...not anymore:

I figured 24 12-packs would do nicely for a while.

Anyway, now for the real reason for this post. I saw this Yellow '02 WRX in a car lot in Joplin off of 7th st. What looked great from a distance, turned sour up close. As you can see, it's fairly decent at first and even decently priced:



My smile didn't last long as I got a better look at the car and saw very noticeable damage all over it. It was keyed, nicked, scratched and dented including this nasty dent found on the driver's side:

I saw lots of patchwork and man it made me a bit sad. I also saw it had 143,000 miles on it. Sure it will pick up some dings along the way, but not in the nature of what I witnessed. Damn shame.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I don't approve of such abuse.

I Dreamed About Obama

I had a dream that I got the chance to be in the same room as Obama. In my dream, I was eating at a long dinner table that was lined neatly with expensive linens. I was afraid to pick up the fork because it only had two prongs on it. (???) Suddenly enters Obama. I wanted so very bad to get closer and take pictures, but some lady (who looked like the Queen Elizabeth) "clothes-lined" me and I fell backwards. For the duration of the dream, I desperately tried to get a close-up picture, but was thwarted in every attempt. At one point in the dream, David Robinson (former Spurs player) walked in with his wife, Valerie. They were chatting up a storm with him.
I remember Valerie well from the days I used to work for the Spurs. I spent many years having "cool" conversations with her about her kiddos. However, in my dream, she acted like she didn't know who I was. ::::sigh::::: (story of my life!)

This morning when I woke up, Obama was CNN. For a split second, I thought to myself, "Hey, I've met you." (yeah, I wish!!)

Anyone care to interpret???

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY ROASTS MY RUMP?

The dadburned heat, that's what. I hates it.

Summers Hate Me...Wait, It Gets Worse.

After seeing the latest damage to the car as well as the A.C. going out on my house, my car not to be out done BY my house, has the A.C. going out on it s well. I heard the other day a very familiar and unsettling sound, like that of a rusty wheel spinning. The culprit is my A.C. compressor leaking coolant onto the wheel that drives it. I opened the hood to see the ever dreaded familiar sight of green all around the back side of the unit(as seen in the photo):

What else can go wrong this Summer?

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I don't deserve this message.

Seriously, I Am Sick!!

My apologies Counters.

I am just Sick!! I know, it might be hereditary and, quite possibly, might run in all the males in my family. But I Definitely Know I Am Sick.

Last evening, thejeepjunkie and I were sitting on the front porch, the only one I have here at the Taj Mahal down here in Ormond Beach, Florida, the Birthplace of Speed. Sorry about the quality of this image, but while out on the front stoop, we saw this

I know I can hear you Counters asking "What the hell is it?" See that skinny little line at the corner of that upper concrete pad?

That skinny line is two geckos creating more geckos.

Yeah, Gecko Porn!

I told you I was sick!!

It gets even better.

As we spend about 1/2 hour every weekday evening sitting out there consuming quantities of the aluminum canned beverage that emmanates from that City with the famous Arch and watching those geckos running around, we have pretty much identified each of them. There are about 5 or 6, and while they look similar, like any living, breathing being, they each have distinctive markings and mannerisms.

Well, last night we saw BigUn1 doing the nasty with the Lime Green one, as shown in this image.

Tonite we saw BigUn2 doing the nasty with the same Lime Green one.

The Slut!!

And while BigUn2 and the Lime Green one were doing the nasty, BigUn1 was around the corner walking toward them and they skidattled behind a bush, no pun intended, out of sight.

Yeah, I am sick!

But at least acknowledging that allows me to

Celebrate Life.

Published simultaneously on By The Numbers.

Ya Know What Busts My Chops?

By now, I am sure you have seen this:

Is that What Busts My Chops? Nope, I would have done the same thing.

But What Busts My Chops is this....



IT'S A FREAKING FLY!!!

On the farm I grew up on, flies loved to hang around the cow flop and live on the backs of the cows and horses and pigs we raised.

When I lived in the Florida Panhandle many moons ago, when the wind blew in from the north, it blew all the dog flies down to the beach and they would bite the shit out of you.

Sometimes Damn near all the time PETA is just out of control!!

Interestingly enough, I have always thought PETA stood for People Eating Tasty Animals.

I am the longrooffan and I thank Jonco for this image and the hot, sweaty, dented car owning Complaint Department Manager for the privilege to post on this blog.

Summers Hate Me

I am now convinced of that. Seems like every Summer, something ALWAYS happens to me. This year is NO exception. The latest drama? I just discovered that someone did a bump and run on my car. THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT!!! I have no earthly clue of what I did to warrant such special attention. Makes me feel like I might have another Watubi unearthed in my yard somewhere. Any way you look at this, I'm tired of this shit! Home A.C. is out, had a slight medical situation before vacation, someone hit my car...what in the hell else can go wrong?

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I am tired of this shit!

Air Conditioning Went Out

The house is just over 5 years old and now the A.C. went out. I...am NOT...HAPPY!!! Last night I had to go to sleep while the house hit 83. It only went down to 80 this morning. Later today, the heat index will hit close to 100...this is bullshit!!! I have someone scheduled to come out tomorrow, if I want someone now they want 3 times the price. What is the price for comfort? The last time the house was this hot, I came home from vacation last summer in Arkansas and I left the A.C. off, BIG MISTAKE.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I disapprove of this sweating.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY DRIES MY DUMPLINGS?

Clutter. Even worse ... me having to clean up said clutter. It makes me so mad. I am an unorganized person (or chaotic organizer, if you prefer). It's just my nature, but such habits are not conducive to the classroom so I am working hard to change. I have time.

More Fun With Parking Lot Douchebags

Look, I'm tired, burnt and exhausted. So, I'll make this quick. See this skinny fuck? Isn't unbelievable that a frequent reader of the Complaint Department STILL manages to park his ragtop bucket on the beach inappropriately? The time spent on Daytona was an absolute blast, although we stayed on the beach a bit longer than we should and thus, everyone got burnt. I'm talkin' left in the toaster on high and walk away.

We were told about a great place to eat after leaving the beach, but as stated earlier left a bit too late and we wanted to at least get a good start on getting back to Orlando. HOWEVER, my sister and her husband remembered they had a giftcard to Chili's and wanted to use it, so we stopped in Port Orange...BIG MISTAKE. We showed up in the place not looking our best and that might have been a reason as to why we got such shitty service. Makes no difference to me, I wasn't feeling that great and in no shape to bitch, so after we left I made a call. I was supposed to get a call from that restaurant, but 3 days later, still no word. I say "FUCK CHILI'S!!!"

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I need a vacation from my vacation.

Cheating Principals

:::sigh::::

After attending a conference for school administrators of Texas, I learned something new. Yep, we live in a "cheating" USA. I was appalled at all the infidelity I witnessed. People that I held high on a pedestal and people that are perfect "role models" in our profession were showing an ugly side of themselves after a few drinks. I was so damned disgusted.

People do not give a damn anymore whether a wedding ring is on the "pursued" person's hand. They don't give a damn about the wedding ring on their OWN damned hand.

There was so much infidelty going on, my head was spinning in confusion. I quietly made my exit to avoid vomiting in my mouth. The happenings were so blatant and without shame. I'm talking MANY people....many.....not just one, two, or three. I saw so many "hook-ups" and was left wondering if there was an honest person in the state of Texas left.

I'm disgusted.

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To This Blog

So, I was preparing this blogpost on Tuesday evening.

It was to be about the job on which I was meeting with Manual Labor.

I thought I would get some images of the view, from the condo we were working on, on the 12th floor.

So, I got home and loaded up these images for that blog. As I was doing so, I received a phone call on my trusty Metro PCS cell phone from a 417-880 phone number. While I didn't recognize the number, I, again, figured it was from those folks over at Publisher's Clearing House wanting to give this olelongrooffan a cool $10 million or so.

Well, as in the case of the long lost Uncle, it actually was from the Complaint Department Manager. Yeah, It's True.

His sister, her husband and their kids were down along with the CDM vacationing down in MickeyMouseLand and were headed up to the Home Of The World's Most Famous Beach to hang for the day.

Now, I have blogged about the CDM here, here, and here, and probably a couple more spots also.

I love to bust his chops about many things, including all of the Lighthouses in the area. H*ll, I have even planned an On The Road trip around lighthouses in the Southeast just to continue to continue to bust his chops, as much as possible.

He even gave me a Ration of Sh*t about a postcard I sent him awhile back.

But Counters, you can be rest assured I will do the same d*mn thing, should the situation present itself again.

So, after filling a morning full of errands and coordinating a bunch of subcontractors on the Manual Labor project I am involved in, I headed down to meet up with someone whom I have never met before but felt I have known a long time.

Amazing how these tubes work these days.

The CDM did a blog upon his arrival about this d**che bag in this black Vette's parking skills.

Well, know that when I pulled the oleragtop into the parking area next to those two tourist driving Sebring ragtops, I parked the same way, just to bust his chops.

When I pointed this out to him, his comment was, "Yeah, but you are not a d**che bag." Thanks for the compliment, CDM.

So it was a relaxing few hours talking with someone, in person, whom I have known over these webs for almost a year. A total blast.

And, I had to write this down, his sister, who spent the whole day dragging seashells, chicken bones and fish bones out of that Atlantic Ocean, but she is a real sweetheart, and is married to Sam, a Nuclear Pharmacist, yeah, try and figure that one out, but the cool thing is, his family is from Smackover, Arkansas. It is definitely a place I will have to visit sometime in this life of mine.

So, CDM, it was great to meet you and your family. Thanks for including this olelongrooffan in your vacation and hope to see you again, real soon.

And it is gratifying to meeting people who, as I do, love to

Celebrate Life.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY FRIES MY BACON?

Washing Ziploc bags. I hate that. I can't stand washing or drying those things. It just annoys me. I do it because they are expensive and it's more environmental, but it really irks me. I thought you should know.

Pledge Week

Pledge Week. Oh no, make that Pledge MONTH. How long can this crap go on? Let me preface this rant by stating that I am a huge fan of Public Television—in theory. I grew up on PBS and loved it. I learned, I grew, I enjoyed. I’ve even contributed in the past. But I refuse to give them any more money if Pledge Week lasts an entire month and at least four or five months out of the year are devoted to it. I can’t speak for other PBS stations’ pledge programming—I am not fortunate enough to be able to view WNET in New York or WGBH in Boston. I’m stuck here in Springfield, where Ozarks Public Television devotes an entire month to bringing us endless reruns of Wayne Dyer, Celtic Woman, Andre Rieu, and Daniel O’Donnell. I never thought I’d look forward to a Lawrence Welk Reunion show, but that’s been the most entertaining thing on OPTV since they started this fundraising drive which might be over by Christmas.

Our cable provider, Mediacom, doesn’t carry the second OPTV digital channel (OPTV-ED), which might actually show the normal PBS offerings. So next week, when I should be watching the new concert version of “Chess” on Great Performances, I’ll be subjected to “Save Money Now.” Thrilling. It makes me long for the days when the late Aunt Alice rang the cowbell during the teleauction. Step it up, OPTV. Get some new pledge specials, because the ones you’ve been recycling for the past few years are definitely not “special” anymore!

I am JL, and I am pissed about missing "Chess!"

More Fun With Parking Lot Douchebags

First things first. I am of course, now in Orlando. When I got here, me and the herd darted for the rental car place. It was at this time I decided to upgrade and go for a convertible...so worth it! Only trouble here was deciding on which color:

Just as I snapped this picture, I hear this very loud "CRUNCH" sound. I turned around and saw this:

Here's a tip to all car lot owners, never let the new guy drive around the lot in one of your vehicles, let him try to navigate by using his own. If you don't, this will happen to you. This poor sap was trying to back a minivan up to get a better run toward the waiting customer, when suddenly, CRUNCH! The guy ripped the frickin' side door right off the minivan and into the street it went. Anyway, we picked up our cars and headed off to the condo we are staying at right now(by the way, they have piss poor reception for Wi-Fi). After we got unloaded, we headed off to Bahama Breeze for dinner(which was out of this world good). Upon arrival into the parking lot, I found this douchebag blocking 2 spots on a Saturday late afternoon and in a busy parking lot:

Notice that I finally settled on the sky-blue colored car.


Before I forget, I do need to mention one other thing. When flying out of most airports, please know that hey board according to row numbers and not "first in line gets the best seats". Take, for instance, some of these dip shits:

Once calls were made for the first rows to be seated, a mad rush swarmed the gate. Don't be a gate hogging douchebag. Besides, I waited patiently and I already figured out that even if they get on board before me, I got there early for the boarding pass and got a window seat, so even if they do get on first, they'll just have to deal with my ass in their face and I won't guarantee that I'll be on my best gastro-intestinal behavior.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this message.

I'm a Local Celebrity, Get Me Outta Here!!!

Not really, but I play one on this blog. Tomorrow, I'm heading off...on an airplane...from a regional airport...where the safety record for such types of airports aren't too swooft. Either way, I'm sick of this scenery and need some new digs for the peeps, even if it is a flaming inferno that I may happen to be riding. But do you really want to know what my ultimate concern is right now? Check that, the second most ultimate concern? I'm just hoping they don't give me a piece of shit rental car, one that was ragged out before I got a chance to do it myself. I plan on taking it off-roading in Daytona on Longroofer's beach, where I plan to get stuck and make him pull me out(and your still not getting your sand back, but don't let me stop you from asking about it). THAT is what rental cars are for, recognize.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I *heavy sigh*...stop watching people on reality TV do things with their lives and do it your-fucking-self!!!

New Boycott: Subway at Branson Landing

Why? Because the fuckers took out the Gold Peak tea urn, that's why! Perhaps you remember my fascination with Gold Peak Green tea. Well, the tea is now but a mere memory. This is not cool on not just many, but ALL levels. The only place I can get this stuff assuredly is at Price Cutter grocery. You know, there are some things that are worth the extra bit of cash asked to pay for something and this was one.

I am this <--> close to declaring Pekoe Jihad on Subway for this. They replaced it with Fuze dispensers. Fuze, to me, are infidels and have no place or business in the region. It's just sitting there mocking me as if Gold Peak was never there or it never happened. I couldn't give 2 craps about Fuze, so I call on all those who believe in real tea to declare Pekoe Jihad for this senseless act of aggression against believers in real tea and force out the infidels known as Fuze. They are to wiped from the face of the Earth by any means necessary. DEATH TO FALSE PROFITS!!!

To who is responsible at Subway for making this change: NOT...COOL!!! You have been warned. Have a nice day.


I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this Pekoe Jihad.

Dave Matthews...

...just more proof that The Offspring continue to influence other bands to make every song they put out to sound exactly the same. Want proof? Take every Dave Matthews song ever released, at any given point you can insert the phrase(from obviously one of his songs) "What would you say?" Amuse me and try it some time. I have no idea how they got so damn popular(like, The Offspring). However, giving credit where credit is due, they have an AWESOME drummer in Carter Beauford, the man's got mad skills.

I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this message....WHAT WOULD YOU SAY?!?!?

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY YANKS MY CHAIN?

When grocery stores place the vegetable bags away from the twist-ties. I hate having to hunt and peck for a twist-um to tie up my bags. Why don't they put them together?

Hi, I'm the Complaint Department Manager and You're Not!!!

In just a few days, I'll be jetting(literally)to Orlando for a week...and you won't be. Laptop in one hand, pain pills in another. Why pain pills? Recent events haven't been in my favor recently and thus I must medicate. There's more, but that's all you get for free. Recent *ehem* posts have prompted me to take the opportunity to make a jab...possibly more, stay tuned. Let this be a lesson, don't poke at the Complaint Department Manager when I clearly have something up my sleeves, even when I don't have anything up my sleeves, I still have something up my sleeves.

I am the Complaint Department Manager...AND YOU'RE NOT!!!

Ya Know Who Drives Me Crazy

MORONS!!!

I have to tell you, I usually see the world through rose colored glasses with a glass is half full kind of attitude...I mean, unemployed for over a year, my daughter lives in a town a long long way from me, my sister in law bitches about the brief time I get to spend with her husband, my brother, my savings are flying out the window trying to keep me in tune with the net and my daughter's texting, although, realistically, she keeps it real economical for me, but, you get the idea, Life Could Suck, but it just doesn't.....it might in the future but for now, all is well...

Now I know that every one in this world can't be as Smart As The CDM, but honestly, how can these idiots continue to get by in Life.

You probably know who I am talking about, the CDM has bitched about them before and I have thought of them often.

Hell, I cuss them out regularly while travelling in the olestationbus.

However, in an attempt to keep Jack, who I am sure is a nice person, in check, I provide this....

Down here in the Birthplace of Speed, the Powers That Be allow us mere plebeians to drive our locally registered automobiles down on that hard packed sand beach that attracted our automotive pioneering ancestors some many years ago.

And, while there are plenty of pros and cons about driving on our fair beach, as long as the gubbermnt tells me it is okay, I will do so.....

So, having said that, while driving north and south on this Atlantic beach, we automobile drivers have to maintain the "Driving Lanes" and should we venture outside them, we get the local walking "Traffic Maintenance Staff", ......read bored old retirees....telling me to get back in the "Traffic Lanes".....but they seem to forget, they are walking in the traffic lanes and that is why I am driving outside the traffic lanes because I don't want to, but would really like to, run their sorry asses over....

Can You Say MORON?

So, anyway, this is the width of the Daytona Beach, on a normal low tide day...

Lots of room for the beach bunnies to the east and the beach drivers to the west, up against those lime green post warning us that sea turtles nest to the up beach side of these posts and DO NOT VIOLATE THEIR TERRITORY!!!!

So we don't.

But then you have all of these MORONS invading my space. I mean, I have only 20' of two lane beachway and you have the whole GD'med rest of the Beach...do you really need my paid for little bit of it????

And the pants hanging of their ass dudes in the above shot? I should have run over your sorry asses just for walking in the middle of the street, skin color Be Damned..>>You are Morons....

And so is this ole white mother f*cker....did you not even look at the traffic coming your way...

and to the stupid Mom and Dad who let a kid dig a hole in the middle of my beach path, What, do ya let this kid play in the potholes down on Oak Street also?

Now I have to say, the fact I can bitch about all this and still enjoy a life saving drive on the beach, yeah, it allows me to

Celebrate Life.

Thanks CDL, hope to see you here next week....longrooffan ....

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?

Blog administrators who get other fools to post on their blog, but never do it themselves. Dirty bastards, one and all. Oh, I said it. I also meant it. That's right. Wanna fight about it?

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY TORQUES MY TAILPIPE?

Being on a diet. It sucks. Oh wait. I forgot. They call it making a healthy lifestyle change. Yeah, yeah, I get all that philosophy stuff. I still hate feeling hungry, and FAT JACK feels hungry on a 2,300 calorie diet.

YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY CHAPS MY CHOPS ...

People who kill in the name of [insert your favorite deity]. It especially chucks my chicken when Christians do it. Can I have a hypocritical amen? Anyone?

Reality TV Ain't Reality TV...DEAL!!!

With the recent mass hysteria over who won American Idol and who won Britain's Got Talent, I have come to the following conclusion: Reality TV ain't Reality TV! Personally, I DO NOT watch such drivel, I prefer the cartoon drivel.

Reality is how you go about your daily routine and how you handle the situations given you along the way(notice, no cameras were mentioned). You see, once TV cameras get involved and everyone knows they're there, reality goes out the window and now you have yourself a script played out live. Let's face it, EVERYONE acts differently when a TV camera gets thrown into the equation and not just in the way you might think. Take me for example; this semester, one of my many groups were working on a presentation. Come time to perform, the instructor decided she wanted to videotape our presentation(yes, any group I'm a part of is THAT good). Instantly everyone was thrown off their game plan and I would dare say that a few(other than me) were a tad more dramatic than during past rehearsals. This is why I loath TV cameras(nothing personal to those who work in the industry and are true professionals...you know who you are).

So, what is reality TV? Simple, well placed nanny cams and impromptu camera phone pervs trying to catch a glimpse up some chick's skirt. But more importantly, REALITY TV AIN'T REALITY TV!!! Deal with it!...and stop watching American Idol, you're just going to get pissed off in the end. Save the frustration and disgust for something useful, like...an Anniversary.


I am the Complaint Department Manager and I approve this Reality TV bashing.